Understanding Forgiveness
June 9, 2023 | 9 Min. Read
Have you ever pondered the true essence of forgiveness? Or, what drives our reluctance to forgive?
And, what role does repentance play in this intricate process?
I am embarking on a journey to explore the transformative power of forgiveness; delving into its definitions, unraveling the reasons behind our resistance, and discovering the role of mercy. Climb aboard and let's set sail- destination self-reflection and understanding.
Let's delve into the depths of forgiveness.
That’s one of the questions I’ve been pondering as I’m studying forgiveness:
What is forgiveness?
Why don’t we want to forgive?
What role does repentance play?
Let’s take the first question, as it’s the plainest:
Most definitions of forgiveness start out with what it is not. I decided to start with a definition of what it is and discovered that Forgiveness is an act of mercy.
I recognize mercy means withholding a deserved consequence.
Which brought me to my next question:
Is repentance a requirement to receive mercy?
Followed by: Do the unrepentant get mercy?
I will come back to these questions, but first I needed to examine something that no one seemed to acknowledge, which is what if I don’t want to forgive?
I found another version of this question being addressed, mostly by assuming a positive intent, with the advice being “you may not feel like forgiving yet, but you want to.”
But I know the truth:
Sometimes, I really don’t want to forgive.
So I had to try to figure this out. Here’s the answer I found that made the most sense to me, and maybe it will help you if this is true for you too.
Sometimes the reason we don’t want to forgive is because we are judging others without realizing that we have the same capacity for human error. We judge ourselves as being in the right, and we have a deep desire to honor justice.
This is understandable when we realize that the Old Testament prioritizes justice. And for me, it was especially poignant when I realized this because the first scripture reading assignment I received from the Lord was Psalm 119.
Yes, the entire chapter.
Yes, the longest chapter in the bible.
No, I didn’t know it at the time.
I actually had no idea.
I had simply followed the challenge of my pastor who said on a Sunday morning, “If you aren’t already, I encourage you to start reading your Bible, but don’t start with Genesis. Instead, this week, pray and ask God to tell you where He wants you to start reading.”
I did just that Sunday night, and without a pause I definitely heard “Psalm 119” in my mind. So I began trying to read it every night.
I mentioned it to my pastor a few months later. All 6’6” of him giggled like a kindergartener, and I had no idea what was so funny. Psalm 119 is all about living according to the Lord’s justice. It’s pretty serious stuff, not funny at all!
Of course, when my pastor explained that the Lord gave me the longest chapter to read as my first scripture homework, I had to laugh too.
To this day, Psalm 119 is the most special chapter to me, and I feel a sense of being trusted by God whenever I read it.
Being trusted by God is an essential part of forgiveness.
When we receive the mercy of Christ in being forgiven for our errors, it comes with a requirement to extend mercy.
But in truth, we are often like selfish, unreasonable children: we only want to receive without having to extend or provide anything ourselves.
And other times, we are like children who are struggling within ourselves, unable to find a way out of a corner - one into which we painted ourselves.
When we try to forgive and struggle, it may be because we are not actually choosing. We haven’t decided — it is actually against our will.
Our willingness to let bygones be bygones may depend on what we are trying to forgive. If it was a physical threat, and we perceive it still exists, “letting go” is humanly near impossible.
When we perceive a threat to our sense of existence, our will doesn’t have an effect. The system that assesses physiological threats is notorious for being unaffected by acts of will.
So just deciding to wipe the slate clean will only be effective on the logical side of us, while the emotional side continues keeping score.
The solution?
We ask Christ for help by the Holy Spirit. Then the effort and the unselfish love that is required to let go comes forth.
This all assumes that we have actually decided to forgive. What if we haven’t?
What if forgiveness is actually like pulling out an infected tooth?
If we don’t do it, it doesn’t get better.
But to say yes to pulling it out means giving up the tooth.
We might feel scared about that.
Even though it hurts, at least we still have a tooth.
If we pull it out, what will that mean?
What if we need the tooth as evidence to prove something?
What will life become if we don’t have it anymore?
What could like become if we don’t live in pain?
What becomes possible when we aren’t fighting an invisible infection all the time?
Can we learn to smile again, without wincing at the pain? Or alternating between hiding the blackness or showing it off, as our needs dictate?
What if pulling the tooth means walking out with a beginning of a restoration- the start of a process to rebuild our smile in a healthy and lasting way?
It means “Letting it go”, yes. But what are we letting go of?
We are actually letting go of our recompense from the other person.
We are letting go of our hope that they will ever restore us:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick
(Psalms 13:12)
Let’s be realistic: How can they make it so we never felt the pain? How can they pay us back for the agony, the fever, the fear we felt?
And how can we ever know they will feel what we feel - even if they too lose a tooth?
What if they feel nothing?
When we choose to forgive, we give mercy because we release them from the debt they owe to us for what they did. That’s why we must choose willingly.
As we release them, their debt automatically transfers to the Lord to take care of, (as we know He will):
Won't God give his chosen people justice when they cry out to him for help day and night? Is he slow to help them?
(Luke 18:7)
When we love what God loves and hate what God hates, Justice matters;
Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice.
You love justice and hate evil.
Therefore God, your God, has anointed you,
pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else.
(Psalm 45:6-7)
and yet
“mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13).
Mercy is often defined as “not getting what we deserve” and deserve is “what we earned”.
We find a path to forgiveness when we recognize the trailhead of Me Too: when we admit “I have gotten away with something too”.
Starting there, we can ask ourselves “Have I ever done something wrong in my life that I didn’t receive the consequences for it?”
And then get curious and ask, “What could those consequences have been, and who may have been affected or even hurt by my actions?”
Go even deeper and wonder, “Can I possibly know the full extent of any hurt I have ever caused?”
The wicked man is so arrogant he always thinks, "God won't hold me accountable; he doesn't care."
(Psalm 10:4)
This conversation will lead into integrity, which is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. And asking, “Where do I get the definition of the right thing?”
(God, self, parents, family, faith community, etc.)
What’s my line that I will not cross?
From integrity, the trail leads to Clear Conscience and understanding that we may be holding the biggest grudges against ourselves in the form of a feeling of shame, worthlessness, guilt, or disgust.
Forgiveness is an act of mercy. Pulling an infected tooth is merciful.
Sometimes we are the one who needs to give ourselves mercy, but we can’t pull our own tooth:
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked His disciples, “Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’
For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
(Matthew 9:11-13)
The sick need a doctor.
Jesus desires mercy.
Mercy is better than sacrifice.
When we are bonded to Jesus in love, we are securely attached: we trust him, believe in him, and we follow him. It’s our joy and pleasure to be in harmony with his desires.
Granting Jesus’s desire can become our motivation to forgive as an act of mercy.
Knowing it will delight Jesus in his heart if we can release someone from paying what they owe us — even if it’s an acknowledgment or apology — will help us have the strength to do it:
The joy of the Lord is your strength (Nehemiah 8:10)
Delighting the ones we love brings a sense of joy that words forever fail to convey:
You have not seen him, but you love him. You do not see him now but you believe in him, and so you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy,
(1 Peter 1:8)
So, does someone have to repent to be forgiven?
No. We are free to give mercy as a pay-it-forward of the forgiveness we have received from Christ:
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
(Colossians 3:13)
However, does someone have to repent to receive forgiveness?
Yes. Imagine you send me a payment. Let’s say it’s a wire transfer.
How can I receive it?
I must acknowledge the payment and identify myself.
What could be so hard about that?
“You stubborn people! You are heathen at heart and deaf to the truth. Must you forever resist the Holy Spirit? That’s what your ancestors did, and so do you! (Acts 7:51)
Ah…well, there you go. There’s a long history of humans being like that.
If I am to receive payment, I must acknowledge the debt.
If I am to be set free, I must admit I am a slave.
I have to admit my own inability to be perfect, in my own ability. I can’t “just do it.”
I have to face up to my human frailty and weakness.
Turns out, a “self-made man” (person) is non-existent.
We are all “made” by our shared experience.
As Christian brethren, we are all made new by the gift of Christ, and our errors are remembered no more.
Some have said to adopt the words Jesus spoke from the cross, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing” as a way of getting to the decision to forgive.
That didn’t help me. I believe Jesus was speaking about their ignorance of their deicide, the killing of a God, not their sin to him.
However, there were other words Jesus spoke that have helped me. Maybe they’ll help you too:
Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
When I first learned about forgiveness, it was from my same 6’6” pastor who helped me start reading my bible, who baptized me and my kids, who married me, and my sons, and who helped me bury their father.
He told me it was about giving up my right to get even. And it was, for a long time. But then I learned about gossip, and forgiving became about also not telling others about it.
Now, I am learning about mercy. And forgiving means that if there’s a debt owed, I am not only not going to get even, but I am going to pay the debt myself, without grumbling.
Because I truly understand, but for the grace and mercy of God, there go I.
And, what role does repentance play in this intricate process?
I am embarking on a journey to explore the transformative power of forgiveness; delving into its definitions, unraveling the reasons behind our resistance, and discovering the role of mercy. Climb aboard and let's set sail- destination self-reflection and understanding.
Let's delve into the depths of forgiveness.
What is Forgiveness
That’s one of the questions I’ve been pondering as I’m studying forgiveness:
What is forgiveness?
Why don’t we want to forgive?
What role does repentance play?
Let’s take the first question, as it’s the plainest:
Most definitions of forgiveness start out with what it is not. I decided to start with a definition of what it is and discovered that Forgiveness is an act of mercy.
I recognize mercy means withholding a deserved consequence.
Which brought me to my next question:
Is repentance a requirement to receive mercy?
Followed by: Do the unrepentant get mercy?
I will come back to these questions, but first I needed to examine something that no one seemed to acknowledge, which is what if I don’t want to forgive?
I found another version of this question being addressed, mostly by assuming a positive intent, with the advice being “you may not feel like forgiving yet, but you want to.”
But I know the truth:
Sometimes, I really don’t want to forgive.
So I had to try to figure this out. Here’s the answer I found that made the most sense to me, and maybe it will help you if this is true for you too.
Sometimes the reason we don’t want to forgive is because we are judging others without realizing that we have the same capacity for human error. We judge ourselves as being in the right, and we have a deep desire to honor justice.
This is understandable when we realize that the Old Testament prioritizes justice. And for me, it was especially poignant when I realized this because the first scripture reading assignment I received from the Lord was Psalm 119.
Yes, the entire chapter.
Yes, the longest chapter in the bible.
No, I didn’t know it at the time.
I actually had no idea.
I had simply followed the challenge of my pastor who said on a Sunday morning, “If you aren’t already, I encourage you to start reading your Bible, but don’t start with Genesis. Instead, this week, pray and ask God to tell you where He wants you to start reading.”
I did just that Sunday night, and without a pause I definitely heard “Psalm 119” in my mind. So I began trying to read it every night.
I mentioned it to my pastor a few months later. All 6’6” of him giggled like a kindergartener, and I had no idea what was so funny. Psalm 119 is all about living according to the Lord’s justice. It’s pretty serious stuff, not funny at all!
Of course, when my pastor explained that the Lord gave me the longest chapter to read as my first scripture homework, I had to laugh too.
To this day, Psalm 119 is the most special chapter to me, and I feel a sense of being trusted by God whenever I read it.
Being trusted by God is an essential part of forgiveness.
When we receive the mercy of Christ in being forgiven for our errors, it comes with a requirement to extend mercy.
But in truth, we are often like selfish, unreasonable children: we only want to receive without having to extend or provide anything ourselves.
And other times, we are like children who are struggling within ourselves, unable to find a way out of a corner - one into which we painted ourselves.
When we won't forgive
When we try to forgive and struggle, it may be because we are not actually choosing. We haven’t decided — it is actually against our will.
Our willingness to let bygones be bygones may depend on what we are trying to forgive. If it was a physical threat, and we perceive it still exists, “letting go” is humanly near impossible.
When we perceive a threat to our sense of existence, our will doesn’t have an effect. The system that assesses physiological threats is notorious for being unaffected by acts of will.
So just deciding to wipe the slate clean will only be effective on the logical side of us, while the emotional side continues keeping score.
The solution?
We ask Christ for help by the Holy Spirit. Then the effort and the unselfish love that is required to let go comes forth.
This all assumes that we have actually decided to forgive. What if we haven’t?
What if forgiveness is actually like pulling out an infected tooth?
If we don’t do it, it doesn’t get better.
But to say yes to pulling it out means giving up the tooth.
We might feel scared about that.
Even though it hurts, at least we still have a tooth.
If we pull it out, what will that mean?
What if we need the tooth as evidence to prove something?
What will life become if we don’t have it anymore?
What could like become if we don’t live in pain?
What becomes possible when we aren’t fighting an invisible infection all the time?
Can we learn to smile again, without wincing at the pain? Or alternating between hiding the blackness or showing it off, as our needs dictate?
What if pulling the tooth means walking out with a beginning of a restoration- the start of a process to rebuild our smile in a healthy and lasting way?
What does it take to decide to forgive?
It means “Letting it go”, yes. But what are we letting go of?
We are actually letting go of our recompense from the other person.
We are letting go of our hope that they will ever restore us:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick
(Psalms 13:12)
Let’s be realistic: How can they make it so we never felt the pain? How can they pay us back for the agony, the fever, the fear we felt?
And how can we ever know they will feel what we feel - even if they too lose a tooth?
What if they feel nothing?
When we choose to forgive, we give mercy because we release them from the debt they owe to us for what they did. That’s why we must choose willingly.
As we release them, their debt automatically transfers to the Lord to take care of, (as we know He will):
Won't God give his chosen people justice when they cry out to him for help day and night? Is he slow to help them?
(Luke 18:7)
When we love what God loves and hate what God hates, Justice matters;
Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice.
You love justice and hate evil.
Therefore God, your God, has anointed you,
pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else.
(Psalm 45:6-7)
and yet
“mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13).
Mercy is often defined as “not getting what we deserve” and deserve is “what we earned”.
We find a path to forgiveness when we recognize the trailhead of Me Too: when we admit “I have gotten away with something too”.
Starting there, we can ask ourselves “Have I ever done something wrong in my life that I didn’t receive the consequences for it?”
And then get curious and ask, “What could those consequences have been, and who may have been affected or even hurt by my actions?”
Go even deeper and wonder, “Can I possibly know the full extent of any hurt I have ever caused?”
The wicked man is so arrogant he always thinks, "God won't hold me accountable; he doesn't care."
(Psalm 10:4)
This conversation will lead into integrity, which is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. And asking, “Where do I get the definition of the right thing?”
(God, self, parents, family, faith community, etc.)
What’s my line that I will not cross?
From integrity, the trail leads to Clear Conscience and understanding that we may be holding the biggest grudges against ourselves in the form of a feeling of shame, worthlessness, guilt, or disgust.
Forgiveness is an act of mercy. Pulling an infected tooth is merciful.
Sometimes we are the one who needs to give ourselves mercy, but we can’t pull our own tooth:
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked His disciples, “Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’
For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
(Matthew 9:11-13)
The sick need a doctor.
Jesus desires mercy.
Mercy is better than sacrifice.
When we are bonded to Jesus in love, we are securely attached: we trust him, believe in him, and we follow him. It’s our joy and pleasure to be in harmony with his desires.
Granting Jesus’s desire can become our motivation to forgive as an act of mercy.
Knowing it will delight Jesus in his heart if we can release someone from paying what they owe us — even if it’s an acknowledgment or apology — will help us have the strength to do it:
The joy of the Lord is your strength (Nehemiah 8:10)
Delighting the ones we love brings a sense of joy that words forever fail to convey:
You have not seen him, but you love him. You do not see him now but you believe in him, and so you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy,
(1 Peter 1:8)
So, does someone have to repent to be forgiven?
No. We are free to give mercy as a pay-it-forward of the forgiveness we have received from Christ:
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
(Colossians 3:13)
However, does someone have to repent to receive forgiveness?
Yes. Imagine you send me a payment. Let’s say it’s a wire transfer.
How can I receive it?
I must acknowledge the payment and identify myself.
What could be so hard about that?
“You stubborn people! You are heathen at heart and deaf to the truth. Must you forever resist the Holy Spirit? That’s what your ancestors did, and so do you! (Acts 7:51)
Ah…well, there you go. There’s a long history of humans being like that.
If I am to receive payment, I must acknowledge the debt.
If I am to be set free, I must admit I am a slave.
I have to admit my own inability to be perfect, in my own ability. I can’t “just do it.”
I have to face up to my human frailty and weakness.
Turns out, a “self-made man” (person) is non-existent.
We are all “made” by our shared experience.
As Christian brethren, we are all made new by the gift of Christ, and our errors are remembered no more.
Some have said to adopt the words Jesus spoke from the cross, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing” as a way of getting to the decision to forgive.
That didn’t help me. I believe Jesus was speaking about their ignorance of their deicide, the killing of a God, not their sin to him.
However, there were other words Jesus spoke that have helped me. Maybe they’ll help you too:
Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
When I first learned about forgiveness, it was from my same 6’6” pastor who helped me start reading my bible, who baptized me and my kids, who married me, and my sons, and who helped me bury their father.
He told me it was about giving up my right to get even. And it was, for a long time. But then I learned about gossip, and forgiving became about also not telling others about it.
Now, I am learning about mercy. And forgiving means that if there’s a debt owed, I am not only not going to get even, but I am going to pay the debt myself, without grumbling.
Because I truly understand, but for the grace and mercy of God, there go I.
About the Author
Kristi Rae Millsap MBA is a writer, veteran, and certified, professional Christian coach.
She started consulting in 2012 after earning her MBA in Healthcare Management and getting laid off from her corporate job as a frontend developer and internet marketing analyst. Consulting led to serving in ministry, coaching, and writing.
Kristi enjoys bringing new ideas to life and sharing creative insights to help Christian entrepreneurs learn how to gain more time-freedom to love God with all their heart, mind, and strength.
Kristi is married to Reverend Paul Millsap, and together they shepherd their family of 9 children. Together, they minister in the areas of marriage, re-marriage, divorce, parenting and grandparenting, especially focusing on forgiveness, grace, mercy, and living at peace.
With support from Paul, Kristi also homeschools the family's last child at home in Minnesota. They both love spending time on the road, exploring old towns, connecting with new churches, and visiting their kids' families and 10 grandchildren.
Kristi Rae Millsap MBA is a writer, veteran, and certified, professional Christian coach.
She started consulting in 2012 after earning her MBA in Healthcare Management and getting laid off from her corporate job as a frontend developer and internet marketing analyst. Consulting led to serving in ministry, coaching, and writing.
Kristi enjoys bringing new ideas to life and sharing creative insights to help Christian entrepreneurs learn how to gain more time-freedom to love God with all their heart, mind, and strength.
Kristi is married to Reverend Paul Millsap, and together they shepherd their family of 9 children. Together, they minister in the areas of marriage, re-marriage, divorce, parenting and grandparenting, especially focusing on forgiveness, grace, mercy, and living at peace.
With support from Paul, Kristi also homeschools the family's last child at home in Minnesota. They both love spending time on the road, exploring old towns, connecting with new churches, and visiting their kids' families and 10 grandchildren.
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