Finding Freedom in Mercy

6/23/2023 | 9 Min. Read

We often hear the word “grace” but less often “mercy” and yet, it’s mercy that we need, as forgiveness. By making mercy the focal point of a healing journey, we unlock the power to transcend pain – we find freedom and a renewed sense of wholeness.

Embracing Mercy

Mercy goes beyond kindness. Mercy is an expression of love and understanding, of ourselves and others, even in the experience of pain and hurt. When we discover that we can embrace mercy, we also discover that we are open to healing and transformation, and the restoration of our emotional well-being.

Mercy Has the Power to Heal

Self-Compassion
It starts within us, and acknowledging our pain. We may have a river of uncried tears, a grand canyon of pain. When we are able to see our pain and emotions in context, why we did what we did, the bigger picture, we can see that we had our reasons at that time.

This is often the hardest part, especially when we know we have no excuse for what we’ve done. Mercy creates a safe place for us as it says “you don’t need any excuse, you are human. Humans make mistakes. All is forgiven.”

In that safety, we are understood and finally free to let our shoulders down.

Forgiveness
Mercy allows us to let go of resentment, bitterness, and the desire to get even. It’s our powerful tool to release our burdens of pain and unlock what chains us to the past, keeping us stuck and unable to move on.

Connection
Sometimes we find a way to start helping ourselves when we can help others. Showing mercy to another person who has been hurt or experienced trauma creates connection. It builds a supportive environment where healing can begin.

Cultivating Space for Mercy to Grow

Seek Support
Finding support to release the guilt of self-judgment or the anguish of self-loathing can be difficult. Even with professional therapists, there is often a practice of being “value-free”, which does not bring mercy or forgiveness into the healing process.
Engaging in a meaningful embrace of mercy requires acknowledging that something was “wrong” or “unfair” and then being free to choose to accept that.

Embracing mercy is to say there is a debt owed, and then further say,

“and I release you from it. You owe me nothing. I will pay the debt from my own resources. Our relationship is neutralized, as if nothing had transpired between us.

“And now I will go on as such, treating you no more nor less than another.”

This means there is the same opportunity to create a new relationship built on trust, although the experience has created a new understanding and wisdom that may have previously been lacking.

It can be done, yet it will be done differently than before.
It will likely build slowly, requiring significantly more effort to form a bond, and the intimacy that came quickly before may take more time and patience to create.

My experience with the rebuilding has been interesting. While the openness is there on my part, I find that when I forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness – and therefore acknowledged the debt they owe – while they may still want to pursue a relationship, they want it on the old terms.

Those terms no longer exist. I am different now, wiser and more discerning. They can’t use the same genesis as before. Often, I’ve found that seems like it’s more work than they are willing to put in, so the relationship remains neutral.

I’m good with neutral. It’s peaceful.

Build Healing Practices
In the process of embracing mercy, creating a safe environment to release the burden that’s been carried for so long is a prequisite. Body and mind tools are effective for gently bringing release through meditation, journaling, and creative artistic expression.

The goal is to make the release happen gently, and that takes time and care. Sometimes, we can be sensitive to touch and even just a pedicure or a manicure is overwhelming.

I had an experience where I was out getting a pedicure with my daughters, which is not my thing but theirs, and I had just had an emotional call with my mom.

When the technician started massaging my feet, I suddenly felt overwhelmed by tears and uncontrollable sobbing. I went straight into flight mode but I was trapped in a chair with tools and water.

She was bewildered, of course. I asked her to just stop, dry my feet, and let me get out of the chair. I managed to get myself together just enough to get outside and into my car where the full tsunami of emotions rolled over me.

What happened? Foot reflexology is well known to release stored emotions. I was having a difficult time with many emotions, lots of feelings of being trapped by the pandemic, and getting into it with my mom, which has its own set of luggage.

It was like she turned the last crank on a Jack-in-the-box, and it all came flying out, scaring everyone – including me.

For awhile now, I have been skipping pedicures and manicures because they are too unpredictable for me and my sensitivies. Instead, I go for the chair massage at the mall. It targets my neck and upper back, which is a safe release.

I also pursue mindfulness through journaling and fiber arts like crochet and knitting. I have several beautiful stories of making blankets for women who either had been told they’d never have a baby, or they miscarried over and over and had begun to lose hope.

I’m delighted when I get the news, often years later, that a new baby has arrived. There is such a sense of hope and healing in that experience for me, I plan to make those blankets whenever I can!

Release Self-Blame
When we truly have mercy, it includes forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, our flaws, and our weaknesses.
It means letting ourselves “off the hook”, and releasing us from what we caught ourselves doing, thinking, being, or saying.

It’s hard work to let go when we are afraid we might do it again, or when we truly believe we “got away with it” and still deserve punishment.

We are the prosecutor, the judge, the jury, the bailiff, and the defendant. We find ourselves guilty and sentence ourselves to a lifetime of imprisonment.

We build a prison around ourselves where we are the prisoner and the guard. We never seek parole because we can’t be trusted, and we deserve to pay.

This is a hard, hard mental block to release. Even with support, we can still hold a conviction against ourselves.

Finding a compassionate and safe place to confess, to admit, and to prepare to receive what we know we deserve is a beginning to healing. It will get things going.

However, there is still a risk that even in that safe place, once the tea is spilled, we can feel like we are now being judged by the other person, because they are human and might be judging us.

Sometimes the very people we might seek out for support have their own issues with superiority, and being in the helper position serves that agenda. They may secretly believe they would never do what we’ve done, and then unconsciously condescend to us, which creates that exact same feeling of worthlessness and loathing.

And sometimes, when we seek support, we may find that we also have issues of superiorty towards others:

“What I did was bad, but not that bad!”

This is guilt by degrees, by comparison. The truth is, all have fallen short. All have sinned. (Romans 3:23)

In that truth, we can begin to let some light into our prison. We are not alone.
To get to freedom, we need mercy, forgiveness.

We need grace in order to give ourselves mercy. We often have grace for others, and even for ourselves in other areas, but not for this.

Our own sense of justice will not let us have it, and this is a sense of pride and superiority in us, as we make allowances for others to fail – but not us.

Our standard for ourselves is even higher than God’s, because God has already forgiven us.

We can try to find some humility and just chalk it up to being human, but often that logical, reasonable approach just doesn’t get through our sense of “I am dangerous”.

The real solution is context. Getting a bigger picture of everything that was going on, and where we were in our own stages of development can really help turn the key in this mental and emotional lock.

Practice Compassion

A real practice of mercy means having compassion for others. Compassion is a word that means “suffer with” and it’s often entwined with empathy, a word that means “to walk in another’s shoes”.

When I think of empathy, I see a picture of me walking in my sister’s shoes. She always had shoes that were about 4 sizes bigger than mine.
Naturally, the impressions of her feet were all in different places than my feet were used to. When I walked in her shoes, I walked awkwardly, trying to pick my feet up without dropping the shoe.

The truth is, it wasn’t really enlightening for why she walked like she did.

However, when I think of compassion, I think about how my sister’s feet might hurt, and I consider when my own feet have hurt. How did I walk? Awkwardly, slowly, outside of my usual.

When I see that my sister is struggling to walk and ask “what’s the problem?” Her reply that her feet hurt brings me to compassion when I see that I am like that too, when my feet hurt.

Having mercy in this situation is to have that compassion of “I could do that too” or even “I’ve done that too.” In this way, I’m not judging my sister for her walk, metaphorically speaking, because I know that at times, my walk has suffered as well.

It’s seeing that human weakness in myself, and not seeing myself as somehow superior to another’s response to an experience of life, saying, “I would never… .” Because the truth is, I could.

Given the right circumstances, yes I could, too. That human weakness exists in me too, sister.
That’s compassion. And mercy means I withhold my judgment of my sister, though it doesn’t mean I don’t judge at all.

I can still judge that the things that caused her painful feet need to be dealt with. That’s where empathy really comes in to help with understanding. Empathy helps give the context.

Create Community
As we sojourn through this life experience, having relationships that uplift and inspire us is key to bringing healing and growth.

We want to surround ourselves with others who are both willing and able to embody mercy, to share compassion and extend forgiveness, to us and to themselves.

Those relationships help us strike a balance between knowing that we are forgiven for our mistakes and weaknesses while motivating us to keep growing, getting better and better with time, making fewer repeated mistakes as we go along.

A rising tide lifts all boats, and sometimes that tide starts with some uncried tears. If you have struggled with letting someone off your hook, and especially if that someone is yourself, I encourage you to seek out a merciful, forgiving and compassionate person to start a healing journey that will lead you to freedom.

May mercy guide us on our journey as we navigate this human experience helping us radiate our light to share the grace we have been given with others!

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About the Author

Kristi Rae Millsap MBA is a writer, veteran, and certified, professional Christian coach.
She started consulting in 2012 after earning her MBA in Healthcare Management and getting laid off from her corporate job as a frontend developer and internet marketing analyst. Consulting led to serving in ministry, coaching, and writing.

Kristi enjoys bringing new ideas to life and sharing creative insights to help Christian entrepreneurs learn how to gain more time-freedom to love God with all their heart, mind, and strength.

Kristi is married to Reverend Paul Millsap, and together they shepherd their family of 9 children. Together, they minister in the areas of marriage, re-marriage, divorce, parenting and grandparenting, especially focusing on forgiveness, grace, mercy, and living at peace.

With support from Paul, Kristi also homeschools the family's last child at home in Minnesota. They both love spending time on the road, exploring old towns, connecting with new churches, and visiting their kids' families and 10 grandchildren.